On Authentic Blogging

Or, Half-truths.

There are many people who would probably assert my status as a very open, genuine individual. Mostly, though I have an artillery of personal details I am ready to share with pretty much anyone, which would lead others to believe that my life is an open book, waiting to be read. I am happy to share with anyone who asks facts about my mom’s former alchoholism, my parents’ divorce, the number of deaths I’ve experienced in and outside my family, my many, minor, humorous mistakes, my feelings of being frustrated, overwhelmed, directionless, and depressed, and my infinite opinions about nearly eveything. I will not, however, willingly divulge details of my love life, or lack thereof, big, still-painful, not-so-funny mistakes, my inherent feelings of worthlessness, feeling consistenly out of control, or the fact that I have a huge amount of creative ambition and no idea how to follow through.

A big reason why I started blogging in the first place is to be able to express all the things going on in my head. My blog has never had any guise of anonymity, and I wanted to be as authentic as possible with what goes on within me. I have found; however, that with a lack of some sort of mask, it has become difficult to share my innermost thoughts, even, and perhaps especially when the primary followers of this blog are my very close friends and my mom.

This feeling that I perhaps am not ready to reveal every thought and feeling within me is compounded by the fact that I have set my blog to upload to my facebook notes, where my extended family, acquaintances, youth, parents of youth, coworkers, and people I might find reason to write about can read my notes. I thus am limited in describing how I feel about my family relationships, my work relationships, my ministry, my friendships, my more-than-friendships, and anything else I wouldn’t want one of my youth or an aunt to read. On the other hand, more than one person has expressed to me that they found my blog through my notes, and enjoy reading what I write, and as an aspiring writer, I can’t deny that posting my thoughts on a social networking site has increased the traffic to my blog.

So, I am not really sure where this leaves me. I yearn to be completely honest about all the experiences and resultant feelings that I have, but I also am not keen on the idea of everyone I have ever met seeing my most vulnerable spots, even of it may broaden their insight of myself and others. So, in my case, what would you do, what have you done, what are you doing? How do you both seek to protect yourself and be publicly authentic with who you are? What do you suggest?

Summer Playlist

Or, Standing on a Hill in a Mountain of Dreams, Telling Myself It’s Not as Hard, Hard, Hard, Hard as it Seems.

I said I would post this last wek. It’s my summer playlist so far. There will be a part two. Maybe three. Depends on how often I get tired of music this summer, I guess.

My playlist is entitled,”Making it Good: Summer ‘09.”

1. Sharp Dressed Man – ZZ Top: Every girl’s crazy about one.
2. Under the Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers: This song speaks summer to me.
3. Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes – Paul Simon: A repeat from last summer. This song makes me happy.
4. Fever – Peggy Lee: I love the sultry quality of this song. It’s just awesome.
5. Lying in the Hands of God – Dave Matthews Band: There is something about Dave Matthews that really makes summer feel summery to me. This is off his newest album.
6. Don Henley – Boys of Summer: Obviously. I love belting out this song driving down the highway. And I love the way it’s haunting and nostalgic and hopeful all at once. And it reminds me of the book The Last Summer (of You and Me) by Ann Brashares, which I read a few weeks ago.
7. Use Somebody – Kings of Leon: Um, hi. This song is AMAZING. You should be BFFs with this song immediately.
8. Don’t Stop Believing – Journey: A nice, classic, sing-a-long driving anthem.
9. Going to California – Led Zeppelin: I used to not like Led Zeppelin, until I found out I actually did. This song is my favorite, and it exemplifies a lot of the escapist feelings I have about summer.
10. Shadowboxer – Fiona Apple: This is one of my favorite songs from Childhood. I love it still, and perhaps more now. I love to sing it at the top of my lungs over and over until I go hoarse. That is the sort of self-destructive behavior I endorse.
11. Space Oddity – David Bowie: I have no explanation for this other than having listened to it on the radio the day before I made this playlist. It makes me super sad, but it’s a cool song.
12. Everybody Wants to Rule the World – Tears for Fears: Tears for Fears was the choice listening material of my painting class last semester. Also, the day there were super bad Tornado Warnings and such near my house, this was going through my head whilst waiting in the storm cellar. It’s my favorite Tears for Fears song.
13. Walk on the Ocean – Toad the Wet Sprocket: When I was in High School, before I could drive, one time, Denise drove around my cul de sac approxiamtely 823 times until this song was over. We might have listened to it more than once. Anyway, it’s another song that evokes a sense of summer for me.
14. Crossroads – Tracy Chapman: This is the coolest Tracy Chapman song ever, and I would have never discovered it without my lovely friend Natalie who gifted me her iTunes essentials. “I’m trying to protect what I keep inside/All the reasons why I live my life…All you folks think you run my life/Say I should be willing to compromise/I say all you demons go back to hell/I’ll save my soul save myself.”
15. Wedding Dress – Derek Webb: I am obsessed with this song. I listen to it on repeat a ridiculous amount. It is amazing. “I am a whore I do confess/I put you on just like a wedding dress and/Run down the aisle/I’m a prodigal with no way home/I put you on just like a ring of gold and/Run down the aisle.”
16. Bend and Not Break – Dashboard Confessional: Yes, I still listen to Dashboard. In fact, I heart them. Furthermore, I heart this song, and it’s tenacity.
17. Come Together – Joe Cocker: From the Across the Universe Soundtrack. One of the few Beatles songs I really enjoy. The crazy lyrics are fantastical.
18. Five O’Clock World – The Vogues: Except, around camp, it’s usually a Nine O’Clock World. It still echoes many of my sentiments, though. Plus, it’s super fun.

Summer

Or, So I’ll Be Sure to Stay Wary of You Love, To Save the Pain of Once my Flame and Twice My Burn.

So, I have a lot of goals this summer. I wanted to post them on the first day of Camp, but as should probably have been expected of the first day of camp, I had approximately 189,374,273,927 things to do.

Anyway, I have been burned by a lot more than the sun in my previous summers, and in fact, have mostly wanted to punch them in the face. Hard. Last Year, for example, included moving back home from LaGrange,  my grandfathers death, wanting to punch everone in my immediate viscinity, and particularly the senior leader I lived with for four weeks, spending a lot of time wandering around Gainesville alone, rupturing both my eardrums, singing in a wedding, and breaking my foot. I don’t recommend it. This summer, however, I am making a concerted effort to see things change.

Here are some of my goals:

• Read 1-2 books per week, for the 12-ish weeks of summer. Right now, I’m at 11 books, so I’m doing pretty well toward that goal. The specific reasoning behind this was so that I could offer myself a specific time to escape, and also to come out the other side of the summer with a little more knowledge and a honed desire to write.
• Write 3-5 letters per week. I have not done this. But, I reaaaallllyyy want to write to people. I just need people to write to. So, email me your address to amandamaea (at) gmail (dot) com,  and I will have a reason to have to write letters. I made this because it’s important for me to keep up important relationships, and at the end of the summer I will have shared a lot of myself with other people, and kept strong connections.
• Listen to good music. Always important for a good summertime experience. I’ll post part one of my summer playlist tomorrow or the next day. It’s mostly music that makes me feel happy or good in a summery way, or is related to good experiences for me.
• Have a good attitude. Even when I am feeling punchy, make a concerted effort to be patient and positive. Encourage the girls I supervise and my campers to make it a better experience than what I have had.
• Enjoy the environment I’m living in. I get to be outside all the time. And right now, for example, there is a deer enjoying a grassy snack right outside the window. That happens all the time. Cool, right?
• Figure my life out. I have felt some very strong God-feelings that this summer there will be a clear direction presented for me. So, I am waiting, and trying to be patient to see what that is. I want to not make any real decisions until I hear what my next step should be.
• Get a tan. Hello, Vanity. But really, I am outside all the time, so, I want to actually look like I come out of the shade occasionally.
• Make good friends. Last summer, I didn’t make any real, good friends whose numbers I have in my phone, and who I would call or even facebook now. I am working with some good old friends, and I definitely forsee having some more good friends at the end of the summer.
• Go to church or to Mass. I may be Methodist, but I sure do love Catholicism. Mass is a beautiful, intensely spiritual experience for me. So, I want to go more often. Also, I want to go to regular church, too. I want to worship God, and be filled, whereas last summer, I was kind of taking a hiatus from church, this summer, I am hungry to be near God.

So, that’s pretty much all the ones I can think of right now. But, I do want to accomplish things this summer, and I want to have a Joyful experience. I want to know God, and to know myself. I want to give love and be loved. I want to be happy. I’m going to make it happen.

God,

Give me the strength to make it through this summer.

People are Mean

Or, I’m about to blog about TLC reality telivision programming two days in a row. So, you can punch me if you want.

So, last night I watched the Jon and Kate plus 8 season premiere. And it was sad. I cried. Basically they don’t know where they stand with each other and with their family anymore, and it seems as if they are teetering on the cusp of divorce. To me, it sucks to think that having eight kids, and the fame and opportunity that their show has provided would cause their marraige to crumble. And I’m really sad that they are having such a hard time under the pressure.

But what has surprised me most about this situation is how freaking mean people are. There are entire websites devoted to saying mean things about the Gosselins, about how they parent, and how they are as a couple, and which parent is worse, and Oh My God it is ridiculous. Further, I was checking out Jon Acuff’s (from Stuff Christians Like) facebook status, which said “The “Jon & Kate plus 8″ special was really sad last night. I don’t know if there is anyone I would wish fame on.” And I have to say I agree with that statement. And I don’t think they got into the show thinking that they were going to be famous at the level that causes paparazzi to follow them around. I mean, their show is on TLC, which like four people watched before Trading Spaces came around. But the responses to Jon’s comments were vicious. For example “… No sympathy here – I put them in the same category as octo-mom – pathetic leeches.” Like, Wow. How much to you have to dislike someone to say that?

I know there’s some old saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions, and I think ultimately and unfortunately, that may be where the Gosselins are now. I think when they started the show, it seemed like a positive opportunity, like it would be a way that their children could afford to go to college, and perhaps a way to expand their horizons, when having eight kids must surely box them in. I definitely don’t think that the opportunities they have been given, and the resulting fame should be cause for derision, because really? Would you say no to a reality show about your life? One that would pay you and give you opportunities you never thought you would be able to have or give your children? And then after a few years, would you get tired of living in a fishbowl? I would say probably not, and probably, respectively, but perhaps your answers would be different.

Basically, until I have eight kids, I don’t much want to judge the Gosselins’ decision-making process. I mostly just want to pray that their brokenness would be healed, that they would be reconciled to each other, and that they would seek God’s perfect will in everything they do. If this were my family, or if they were my friends, I would pray for them, and want to comfort them, and I would probably make them a casserole, because that’s all I really know to do when people are hurting, and I would be hopeful that others would join in my intercession and sypmathy and hope.

So, will you join me in prayer for the Gosselins?

No, Thank You.

Or, The Duggars Might Be Crazy, but at Least they Love Jesus.

I have been watching the Jon and Kate plus Eight marathon for most of the parts of today that I wasn’t asleep for. (I took a benadryl this afternoon, and didn’t fare well.) But anyway, I was mostly watching it because I think they do good things with and for their kids, and with all the stuff that’s been in the tabloids, I really worry about them. I hope that neither parent has been unfaithful, and really, trust that they weren’t, and pray that the media firestorm leaves them relatively unscathed. Really, I worry about people I don’t have anything to do with far too often. I guess that explains the rampant sucess of reality television.

But, anyway, that isn’t really what I wanted to talk about. While I’ve been watching TLC all day, advertisements for the new season of 18 kids and Counting have been interspersed. I have an admittedly somewhat ridiculous obsession with this abundant, conservative, sheltered family that bears no resemblance to my childhood experience. I’m even friends with cousin Amy Duggar on facebook, no joke.
I think to some degree I have always thought that the Duggars were a little crazy. When I talk about them people always have something derisive to say, and often, I agree. They homeschool their kids, and I’ve often declared my disdain for homeschooling. Their kids don’t have a lot of academic ambition, and their daughters all want to be housewives with a gajillion kids of their own. Also, they encourage their kids to not kiss until they’re married, and while I’m all about abstinence, that’s not something I can buy into. Further, I proudly proclaim no desire to have my own children, even though I love hanging out with kids.
So, I was watching a few seconds of what is coming in the next season, and I realized they are doing this not because they are nutters, or because they’re trying to brainwash their own Mormon-esque society, but because they believe in God’s perfect plans for their lives. They believe that God will give them the right family, and that he will provide what they need. In that regard, I think they probably have more faith than I do. I don’t want to have kids for many reasons, including fear that I will screw them up, and they’ll be either adulterous axe-murderers, or they will end up like me, and like books and art and music more than people. But the Duggars know they can’t screw up so bad that God can’t fix it, and that he sees a bigger future than they can imagine.
So, while I might disagree with the Duggars’ pastor, and think Jesus turned water into actual wine, and not grape juice, I don’t think they’re crazy to want to have as many kids as God will allow. Some people can’t have kids at all, and want them, and somewhere, God is in that too; so, I see the rationale that if you can have kids, to keep going until you can’t because each one is a miracle.
I don’t know if I have any big expansive conclusions to this post, except to say that I appreciate that kind of faith, and I think it’s a good thing, and that’s pretty much it.

Shut Up! These are Fun!

Or, ABC

So, it’s 6:47 am, and I have not yet been to bed. This is a problem. Thusly, I am going to do one of those fun sixth grade-ish surveys, and hope it makes me sleepy. And for the record, I attribute my sleeplessness entirely to the fact that my dad demanded that I read The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, and reading about nazis before you go to bed isn’t exactly sleep-enducing.

A – Age: 19

B – Bed size: Full

C – Chore you hate: Cleaning any porous surface, so vacuuming, and folding laundry are among my least favorite things. Mostly, I like things wherein you can use a lot of bleach.

D – Dog’s name/s: Rebekah and Sweetie.

E – Essential start your day item: Um, I don’t necessarily start my day with anything essential. Mostly, I guess, the first thing I do in the morning is turn on the news.

F – Favorite color: Teal.

H – Height: 5′3

I – Instruments you play: Guitar, Trombone, Baritone, Tuba, Dulcimer, Bass.

J – Job title: Director of Youth Ministry, PGUMC; Day Camp Director, Camp Pine Acres.

K – Kid(s):I like them, but I don’t want them.

L – Living arrangements: With my parents.

M – Mom’s name: Loralie.

N – Nicknames: Amanda Mae, AM, MaeMae, AMae, AJ, Bob, Giggles. Geez, people call me a myriad of things.

O – Overnight stay at hospital other than birth: Never, except I think I stayed overnight once when I was little and my uncle was sick.

P – Pet Peeve: Poor Grammar, Slow Drivers.

Q – Quote from a movie: “I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen.” (Say Anything)

R – Right or left hand: Right.

S – Siblings: Two older stepsiblings.

T – Time you wake up: On a perfect day? 10:50 am. Yesterday? 1:30 pm.

U- Underwear: It’s brown and silky.

V – Vegetable you dislike: Brussell Sprouts.

W – Ways/Reasons you run late: I’m always late, usually, I have no good reason, but I’m happy to make one up.

X – X-rated movies to be ashamed to own: None.

Y – Yummy food you make: I make awesome mashed potatoes. And pasta. And chicken. And tilapia. And real caesar salad. And Denise says I make the best mac and cheese from the box. I just really enjoy cooking.

Z – Zoo-Animal: Bah! I hate the zoo!

Currently

Or, Ah, summer.

I am currently sitting on the couch eating strawberry shortcake for breakfast at 3 pm, while watching General Hospital. This is the wonderful laziness that is my life until Wednesday. I am definitely going to be taking advantage of this break for two more days until I go to camp for leadership training.

In a few minutes, I’m going to shower and go to Books-a-Million to procure a few books for the next couple of weeks. Then, I will go to my dad’s house and read, and do laundry and pack for the rest of the week. Yay.

A Second, More Concerted Effort

Or, I have definitely sucked at this lately, but starting now, I’m going to get better.

So, currently I am sitting on my mom’s couch watching the Travel Channel whilst blogging. This may not seem like an exceptional feat, but as my mom doesn’t have wifi, it’s very rare that I blog here. In about a week, I’m moving to camp for the summer. I’ll have wifi in my office there, but not anywhere else. Thus, I thought it might be prudent to download an app to my iPhone so that I can blog from wherever I am. So, hopefully, since I can now blog when I think of things (instead of waiting until I am somewhere with my laptop and an Internet connection). So, yay!

In other news, I’m thinking I would enjoy watching The Big Lebowski, but since that would require getting up and going to rent it, and I am ridiculously lazy, I don’t see that happening.

How Can I Pray for You?

Or, Intercession is Cool.

I was inspired by Carlos Whittaker today. On his blog, he offered to pray for people tomorrow night. I thought that was a very compassionate action, and something I could do more often. I spend a moderate amount of time in prayer, I guess, but often it is for myself, or talking through things that are going on in my own life. I would love to intercede for those around me. So, if you are reading this, and you have something going on in your life that needs prayer, leave me a comment, or shoot me an email. I will pray for you sometime during the day on Sunday, and send you an email or text message when I pray for you. I’ll keep a journal of my prayers, and I’ll post about it (who I prayed for when, excerpts from my journaling) at the end of the day. (But I won’t live blog, because me+the internet=constant distraction.)

So, yeah. Let me know how I can pray for you.