Or, Succinct.

Here’s the deal: I wrote out an entire post to post today. I just don’t flipping feel like it. I’m a bad blogger, and while I am working approximately 144 hours a week at camp, I can be okay with that. Right now I have other things I want to do. Here’s the jist of my blog, which I will joyfully flesh out later:

  • It’s dumb to wear a facade. Don’t do it.
  • It’s dumb to be insecure about who you are, and then wear a facade because of it. As Dr. Suess said, “Be who you are, and do what you feel, because those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”
  • I don’t like peppy people. I am not peppy. If you can sing and dance before seven in the morning, I surely don’t want to be your friend. Sorry for the inconvenience.

That is all.

Or, Slow Fade

I think I feel kind of obligated to post every time I leave camp. I have a lot going on inside my head these days, but it’s very overwhelming to try to sit down and write it all out all at once. I think I shall have to go back to my original plan of writing daily and posting everything all at once. Here’s some lyrics that struck me as being in my mindset on the way to Gainesville on my night off:

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I’m feeling like I’m headed for a
Breakdown
I don’t know why
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me

-”Unwell,” Matchbox 20

Or, Not a time to break down.

I came to Panera [which I just realized is almost 'bakery' in Spanish] with the sole purpose of writing. Now I am both somewhat unwilling and somewhat unable to do so. I kind of just don’t feel like it. I feel like writing down my thoughts sometimes causes me to wallow in things more than I need to, and that would be infortunate at this point, so I’ll post some brief updates about camp, and you can look forward to a somewhat more substantial post soon.

  • We have a lot of kids this week, and our age range has stretched from 12-14 instead of 13-14 which has created an interesting, if not always entirely pleasant dynamic.
  • I am trying really hard to not be mean and or sarcastic to my kids. I never realized how ingrained sarcasm is into my personality until this week.
  • We went to the cove today, which is the Y-camp property on Lake Rabun, it was pretty awesome, and I got to ski-tube, and nearly flipped, and had a great time. Next week I get to learn to drive the boat.
  • I’m pretty burnt on my face and shoulders from last week’s cove trip, and I have officially a sunscreen nazi. Also, I discovered the amazing sunscreen stick, and today we used it to draw on kids legs so they would tan around it.
  • I am teaching drawing and painting by myself this week, which is much more amazing than Theater Arts, and has been a really good experience so far.
  • Apparently, I’m going to be working the camp store from now until kingdom come, and I don’t know who came up with that, since I suck at math, and it requires a lot of subtraction, but it’s mostly fun so far.
  • I have decided that in addition to being a youth minister, I want to be a writer. I think I thought I had to choose between the two. I realize now that I don’t and shouldn’t. In addition to that, I kind of want to be the next Mark Hall.
  • I really want to get my tragus pierced.
  • I am tired, and its really cold in here, so I think I’ll move on to target.

Or, Internal Conflict

Sometimes I think Melissa Alagon is a prophet. Back in March she saw something moving in me that I was only beginning to see and was not ready to deal with. I can now say that I should have dealt with it then, because it’s so much worse to have to deal with it now. My personality is changing, and it is a very internal process to have to deal with at camp, where I am never alone.

In March, Melissa told me a story about her Freshman year in college. She was extremely extroverted, bubbly and bright, funny, and always the life of the party, even to the point of sometimes being overwhelming to people. Much like myself. Toward the end of her freshman year, she started to experience a change in her attitude and action. She became much more introverted, much less likely to be in the middle of the crowd, to be the first to meet people, the center of attention. She saw this struggle beginning in me, and sought to encourage me, telling me that this change could be good, could be the right direction for me to move. Then, I was not ready to deal with that change. It was too much for me in the midst of SLR and classes I couldn’t handle, it was scary, and something I wasn’t fully experiencing because I was comfortable with my friends and my life in LaGrange. I didn’t need to deal with it then, and so I didn’t.

Now, necessity has wrought discomfort as I try to adjust to a new environment, make new and lasting friendships, all while spending every waking moment ministering to kids. Tonight on the phone, I told Kelsey that if I never had to make another friend, I would be totally fine. While that’s not totally true, I have become really uncomfortable with meeting new people. I find I have less than minuscule self confidence, that I suck at making small talk, and that even though with all my heart I want to invest in people and go from zero to BFFs in .5 seconds, I find that I can’t force that bond and wouldn’t know how to if I could.

I’m reading The Ragamuffin Gospel right now, and have discovered that even when I suck at life, and invest all of myself in people and get nothing in return, and am sad and broken, that I am then closest to God, because he died because I cannot do anything alone. This point of brokenness, however, is nonetheless painful. I am not deserving of love in this place, but God lavishes it upon me, and I cannot seem to accept it, even as he continues to pour it out. As I transition to a quieter, more humble place, I am learning to rely on my Father, and learning that in my extroversion, I was never as together as I felt.

Or, There is a better, more in depth post around the corner, but this one has distracted me.

I was always very partial to Atlanta Bread Company until 7:00 today when I pulled into their Gainesville location and discovered that they were closed overnight for construction. This was only so disheartening because I drove to Gainesville for the specific purpose of patronizing ABC, and I was already hungry, tired, and on the verge of tears. I then set out on a quest to see what other delights Gainesville had to offer and stumbled onto Panera.

  • Their store is clean, well layed-out, and well, but ambiently lit.
  • The employees didn’t make me feel rushed in deciding what I wanted, they were friendly and said “thank you” and “you’re welcome.”
  • They have do-it-yourself fountain pepsi products, which allow me to make my favorite mixture of Mountain Dew and Tropicana Fruit Punch.
  • They have lots of two-person booths, which are convenient and comfortable.
  • Free Wi-fi.
  • Their chicken salad sandwich and caesar salad is fantastic, and the Caesar had huge chunk of parmesan in it. Huge.
  • They give you real silverware to eat with.
  • They use your name to call your order.
  • The bread is perfectly chewy, and I love chewy bread.

So, thank you Panera of Gainesville, for leaving me full, energized, and in a much better mood. I am officially a fan.

Or, Wait a minute Mr. Postman…

So, beginning on Sunday afternoon, I will be at Camp Chattooga, an Athens YMCA camp, working for the summer. I have the awesome opportunity to spend the summer hanging out with kids, ministering to them, teaching classes, and just showing them the love of Christ, and I am stoked. I’ll be gone until July 27th, and I would love it if you would send me a letter or a package this summer. I will be available by cell phone and facebook a limited amount, and I’ll be blogging pretty regularly, and you can feel free to contact me via those methods, but letters are always extra special. I will certainly make an effort to write you back, and send you a piece of bark or a lanyard, because that’s about all I’ve got to offer in the realm of exciting packages.

My address at camp is:

Amanda Mae Arnold
Camp Chattooga - Waoka
1010 Y-Camp Road
Tallulah Falls, GA 30573

Or, Good, Exciting, Overwhelming.

As of Wednesday, I have officially been hired as an employee at Camp Chattooga. I will be a cabin leader, and I’m not sure what age group I will have yet, but I know it will not be the two youngest cabins, which is amazing, because it means I will probably have middle school girls, who are my favorite. I’m thinking that it will be awesome to have a reason to be sixth grade-ish every once in a while.

While it is absolutely amazing that I have been hired, it’s also overwhelming because I have been home for all of about 63 hours, and I still have a lot to do before I start lifeguard training, for which I have to be at camp tomorrow afternoon.

Here’s my schedule for the rest of the summer:

  • May 18-23 - YMCA ASHI Lifeguard Training. Apparently it’s like super life guard training or something, because it’s more strenuous than ARCĀ  [American Red Cross] lifeguard certification and includes first aid and cpr certification.
  • May 25- 31 - Back at Camp for staff Training.
  • June 1 - July 26 - Camp. I’ll spend eight weeks as a cabin leader, teaching a couple of classes [probably painting and drawing or jewelry making and theater], lifeguarding, and sleeping on a screened-in porch. I’ll have Saturdays at noon until Sundays at noon off between sessions, and I’ll have one night off a week from six until midnight. I’m also taking a day and a half off in July for my cousin’s wedding.
  • July 27 until school starts, I’ll be hanging at home, visiting people I won’t have seen all summer, getting ready for school, and looking for a job for the school year. Since I’ll be certified, I may look in to lifeguarding at the Y in Canton or something. We’ll see, I guess.

I’ll be able to be contacted at Camp by my cell phone, although I won’t be able to answer it around kids. I’ll also be blogging and available via facebook and email, although it may take me a little longer to respond via those methods. And as soon as I have an address for camp, I’ll post it, and you can send me a care package.

So there you have it, my campy plans. I start tomorrow. This is crazy.

Or, Things to do, in another life perhaps.

I’m compiling a list of things I would do if I were going to be here in LaGrange next year. Things I wish I could do, instead of having to start over.

  1. Try out for SSA and Chamber Choir. Hopefully get one or both, and spend a lot of time singing next year.
  2. Run for SGA Executive Council, VP of Senate. Win, since I wouldn’t have anyone running against me, and spend the summer planning cool stuff for next year.
  3. Adopt myself into Emily’s family.
  4. Keep having 5:23 every week with Kaylen.
  5. Room with Kathryn or Kelsey, and possibly get a suite with both of them.
  6. Not worry about my inevitable D in precal, because it wouldn’t matter if it transferred. Worry about failing, because the difference between a D and an F would be significant.
  7. Look forward to graduating as a Legacy.
  8. Continue the sequence of classes for my minor, Oikos, after having taken Social Justice this semester.
  9. Take photography. Love it. Learn to develop my own photos and not pay for film processing.
  10. Go home more often. Learn to divide my time more efficiently between Jasper and LaGrange, and find a job that doesn’t require my presence on Sunday mornings.

Or, A song I am using to define my feelings right now.

I am selfish. I am wrong.

I am right, I swear I’m right, swear I knew it all along.

And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well.

I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.

Or, County Count.

Counties I have been in in the last 24 hours:

  1. Troup
  2. Meriweather
  3. Coweta
  4. Fulton
  5. Cobb
  6. Cherokee
  7. Pickens
  8. Dawson
  9. Forsyth
  10. Hall
  11. Habersham
  12. Rabun

I have put over 300 miles on my car, used around a tank of gas, and will be on my way back through the first seven tomorrow. Good Times.

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