To Those of You Who Expect to See Me at Glisson This Summer

The short story is, I will not be there. Here is the long one:

Since last March, I have been wrestling with God. I have not been satisfied with my life, and God hasn’t given me any clear direction as to what I was supposed to do with it. I’ve just been here, frustrated, going on with my life as planned, and not knowing what I am supposed to do.

Last Month, David Schnitzer called me to talk with me about being the camp photographer this summer, and invited me to come along on the support staff retreat to Asheville. I spent MLK weekend with a group of people who I knew very little or not at all, and it was awesome. It was in the teens temperature-wise all weekend, but it was fun to be a part of support staff and the planning and fellowship. On the last night, I shared my testimony, and how I got to that point, and however non-linear my story-telling is anyway, I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why I was supposed to be at Glisson. I thought that it was where I was supposed to be, but I didn’t understand why, and so I began to ask questions. If I was Hamlet, and was going to die at the end of this blog post, that could be where you identify my tragic flaw: inquisitiveness.

For three weeks or so, I have struggled with exactly whether or not I was supposed to be at Glisson for the summer. I knew that it could be an opportunity for great spiritual growth and healing, but I also knew that it would be a place wherein I could easily stagnate because I was comfortable. I looked at a picture that Kaitlin Spooner tagged of me on Facebook, and I thought “I am the only one who doesn’t fit in this picture. There is something off about me.” But, then I remembered I have a complex about people liking me and fitting in and that sort of thing, and I brushed the thoughts away. Last night, I wrestled with God again. I said that I do not have a fleece to put out to be covered with dew, as Gideon did, and besides, it’s too cold for dew, but I wanted a clear indication of direction from God. Well, I got it.

Today, I went for my official interview at Camp. It was supposed to be a formality that I wasn’t supposed to be worried about. Apparently, there was a scheduling snafu, and I wasn’t supposed to be there at all. That’s not the point. I went into David’s office with him and Lacey, and everything was hunky dory, except that Lacey was unusually uncongenial, which I guess should have tipped me off to what was coming. It did not. David informed me that the camp funding had been cut $100,000, and the camper registration was down. He had to cut 14 cabin staff and 3 support staff, including the photographer. I nearly cried right then, but I held it together. I told him I understood, and I do. The saddest part, to me was that he gave me a huge hug, and told me that funding was the ONLY reason I wasn’t being hired. They really liked me, and they wish that they were in a position to hire me, but they just can’t. He didn’t want me to get the wrong impression about the situation, and I appreciate his sensitivity to that. I know that in a different economy, I would be on staff this summer.

On the way home, I was pissed at God. I was sad, because I wanted Camp, and Camp wanted me. I cried from Dahlonega to the Amicalola River outside Dawsonville. I suddenly felt like my life was falling apart. Then, I started listening to the mixed CD I had made in a fit of rage over something else, appropriately titled “Damn,” and fitting for both situations. “Release,” by Pearl Jam came on, wherein Eddie Vedder cries out “I wait up in the dark for you to speak to me. I’ll open up. Release me.” Then I heard Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle:” “It just takes some time, little girl. You’re in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be alright.” I started to realize that this was just the sort of specificity I had asked for. I had asked God to direct me about camp, and he made it very clear that I am not supposed to work there. Not because it’s not awesome, but because it’s not on my path.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path.” Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to bring you hope and a future.”

I asked God for direction, and I still have no idea where I am going. I am slowly, very slowly learning to trust his will. It is hard, and intensely painful. I have no idea where to go from here, and I am overwhelmed by that prospect, but ultimately, I know “Everything, everything will be alright.”

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~ by Amanda on 7 February 2009.

2 Responses to “To Those of You Who Expect to See Me at Glisson This Summer”

  1. Sorry I’m bad at answering my phone…We need to talk about occasions like this.

  2. ps:
    kgarv.tumblr.com

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