The Matter at Hand

Or, Can’t you see the tears roll down the street?

I hesitate to write about this sort of thing on my blog. For one, because I hate the idea of feeling like someone who complains or can’t figure their life out and feels the need to publicize that. For two, because I hesitate to talk about things that feel personal and immediate and real and big.

I feel like I’m at sort of a crossroads. Okay, actually, that’s probably an overstatement of the situation. I feel like I have to make sort of a big decision. And it feels big and menacing in this moment, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of those things that won’t feel as big and menacing in ten years. I guess you could say I’m having trouble getting some perspective.

So, here’s the deal. I really need to go back to school. Let me emphasize that by saying that again. I really need to go back to school. I need to get a degree and all that. But, more than that, I need to feel like I am learning, and engaged. I need to be working toward something, and having a positive direction, even if I don’t know exactly what the end result of that direction is. Also, I’d like to have health insurance again, which will be achieved by my going back to school full time.

I had kind of a lightbulb sort of moment the other day, and I realized that I can’t be a nanny forever. My job is pretty good, but it’s not what I want to do forever. I want to use my skills in photography, and as a writer. And I want to do something that is creative and awesome. While I do need to keep working while I’m in college, at least part time, the schedule that I’m working as a nanny doesn’t really afford me time to go to school. I wake up before 5 am, and usually, I don’t get home until 5 pm or later. I do this 3-4 days a week, in an erratic schedule. Thusly, there’s not really a lot of time to go to school.

On the other hand, I love the kids that I work with. I would miss them a lot if I didn’t get to work with them anymore. They’re adorable and they make me laugh and smile every day. They make my life brighter. And, I would hate to hurt them by leaving them, and I would that if I left, they would have to get used to a new person in their lives all over again.

To me, the decision of what to do isn’t simple. And, while I’m prone to put the needs of the kids I work with above my own, I think that ultimately, it’s necessary for me to do what is best for me. I simply don’t think it’s feasible for me to continue working the schedule I have and go back to school full time.

Today, I applied for a job at a bakery close to my house. It’s less than two miles from where I live and literally across the street from where I work. It’s run by one of the nicest ladies ever, and I’ve been a customer there for years. It’s pretty much an ideal situation. And I can honestly say that I really hope that I’m hired. But, if I am, I don’t know how to break the news to the people I work for. And I don’t know how to tell those kids good-bye. No matter what I do in this situation, it will totally suck for me.

Pretty much, I don’t have much of anything positive to say, and I could really use some good advice. So, thoughts?


~ by Amanda on 12 May 2010.

One Response to “The Matter at Hand”

  1. I tend to write a lot about perspective because I find it so important. 2 pieces of advice. Eat some chocolate. Sit on the swings. I find that between them they usually sort me out.

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